


Lull-lull-lullabye

by Davechicken



Series: Kylux - Fluff & Angst [180]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-25
Updated: 2017-02-25
Packaged: 2018-09-26 19:01:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9916559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Davechicken/pseuds/Davechicken
Summary: Kylo can't sleep.





	

Most nights, he can sleep. Either the day was tiring, or their love-making wears him out, and they both pretend they’re not seventy-five percent there right up until someone’s outright snoring. Kylo’s grateful, because he used to have to wear himself out until his body literally _dropped_ , but now sometimes he drifts.

Not today. 

It’s nothing ‘wrong’, he just… can’t sleep. Something’s whirring away in the back of his mind, and he can’t pin it down, not yet. A sense of lingering not-right. 

It would be easier if it was outright distress, but it’s not like that. It’s like trying to sleep in a room that’s too hot, or too cold, but the temperature is all in his brain. No sharp pain, just… _wrongness_. He’s not even very stressed about it, but he does wish he could sleep. He normally feels better after he’s slept, and short of shooting himself full of alcohol or sedatives… it isn’t going to happen.

He tries to pretend it’s all fine, but Hux - damn him - is too perceptive, and he runs a thumb over the back of his hand, chasing the fine bones there. Thu-thunk. Thu-thunk. Hux’s breathing is level, and soothing. He’s stirring because Kylo won’t settle, and guilt makes his skin prickle.

“I’m fine.”  


“Let me help?” Hux asks.  


There’s no harm in it, unless his failure makes Hux feel bad about himself. Kylo knows Hux would hate him for pretending, so he worries the inside of his cheek with his teeth.

“Shh,” Hux soothes, and starts to run his knuckles up and down his arm. “What usually helps?”  


“…alcohol, or fighting someone until I can’t stand any longer.”  


“Alcohol will make your mood worsen,” Hux says. “Nothing else? Warm baths? Lullabies?”  


The last time someone sang to him… the memory of it hurts like a Hammerhead to the chest. He chokes on the feel of fingertips, the whisper of a name long-denied.

Hux clearly doesn’t know any, because he hums the start of one, a few words like pearls on a cut string, spaced far apart and obviously broken. Kylo wonders if anyone ever soothed Hux, and the realisation that they didn’t makes his skin crawl all the harder, in sympathy.

He wishes he knew what was under this latest funk, but maybe it’s nothing specific. Maybe his body is just wired to flip out at times, and it’s so used to it that if he doesn’t go through depressive, anxious spells, then it can’t operate. With a reason, he can face it, fix it, and move on. Without a reason, he’s at the whims of his internal tides.

Hux’s voice is oddly melodious, even with the nonsense he’s burbling out. It’s the kind of non-sound he can let his mind tune out to, and it does make him feel marginally better, though that’s probably because he recognises Hux cares enough about his comfort to ‘sing’. 

Kylo shoves his head below his chin, and feels the arm move to stroke over his spine. Warm, comforting, safe. His mind won’t quiet, but his body definitely thaws a little, and it’s easier. 

“Thank you,” he whispers, into Hux’s chest.  


“I just want you happy.”  


“I am happy.” He bites his lip, and looks up. “You do know… you… do know this might happen, right? It doesn’t mean I’m not _happy_. With you, I mean.”  


“There’s… yes. I suppose it makes sense.”  


“It’s not because I don’t love you, or feel safe with you. It’s… not _you_ that’s the problem.”  


“You aren’t a problem, Kylo.”  


But he is. In some respects, he is. He goes back to burrowing into his arms, and breathes hard in, holding it before it bursts back out. “Some days I might feel bad. And I just… want you to… want you to still love me.”

“Of course I love you.” Hux sounds almost offended. “Why wouldn’t I?”  


“Because I’m not good enough?”  


He’s gripped even harder, almost enough to squeeze out air. “You _are_ good enough. I don’t want some droid programmed to always be smiling, Kylo. I want _you_. And… I know I can’t make you permanently ecstatic, and it wouldn’t be healthy if I could. If you need to be sad, or worried… you can be those things. _But I’ll still love you_.”

Kylo feels a bit of the carbonite in his heart shatter, and he grips his lover, shuddering. “ _Thank you_ ,” he whispers. 

He won’t sleep for a while because his mind is still working, but… he feels happier, knowing Hux isn’t annoyed with him for it. It’s okay to be wound, or moody, or sad. It’s okay. He kisses the side of his mouth, and closes his eyes. Not to sleep, but to think. He’ll be okay, if he can let his body rest as much as possible, and the weight of Hux’s worry lessens a little, enough to breathe.


End file.
